How to talk – Conversation – Relationship Punch Lines

The Patterns We Live

• Conversations feel unpredictable, but they follow patterns—recognize them to reduce anxiety.
  – Example: Most small talk starts with “How are you?” or “What do you do.”
  – Example: People often share personal stories after someone else opens up first.
• Fear of awkwardness stems from lack of preparation; identify common social cues and responses.
  – Example: If someone mentions their pet, ask about its name or breed.
  – Example: When discussing the weather, comment on how it affects your day.
• Like job interviews, conversations have purposes—focus on connection, not perfection.
  – Example: In networking, aim to find mutual interests rather than impressing others.
  – Example: At parties, prioritize making others feel comfortable over being witty.
• People seek comfort, validation, or entertainment in conversations—align with these needs.
  – Example: Validate someone’s opinion by saying, “That makes sense because…”
  – Example: Share a lighthearted story to entertain and engage the group.
• Shift your mindset: see conversations as structured opportunities, not chaotic mysteries.
  – Example: Think of dialogue as a tennis match where you pass the ball back smoothly.
  – Example: Approach every interaction with curiosity instead of fear.
• Prepare by anticipating universal topics like hobbies, work, or shared experiences.
  – Example: Be ready to discuss recent movies, books, or travel plans.
  – Example: Have a go-to anecdote about an interesting experience at work.
• Embrace unpredictability as a chance to adapt—not a threat to avoid.
  – Example: If someone brings up grief, respond with empathy: “I’m so sorry to hear that.”
  – Example: Use unexpected twists in conversation to showcase your listening skills.

The Primary Purposes of Conversation

• Entertainment and pleasure is the biggest goal in conversations—make others feel good.
  – Example: Share a funny story to bring laughter and joy.
  – Example: Discuss your achievements to gain validation and approval.
• Utility involves using conversations to achieve practical goals or tasks.
  – Example: Ask for directions to get where you need to go.
  – Example: Seek advice on a project to improve its outcome.
• Human nature drives our conversations, focusing on self-interest and survival.
  – Example: Like Gorg, we prioritize our own needs and well-being in interactions.
  – Example: We seek social validation to feel included and valued.
• We are inherently lazy and avoid unnecessary effort in conversations.
  – Example: Use concise language to convey messages efficiently.
  – Example: Stick to familiar topics to minimize cognitive load.
• Avoidance of pain influences our conversation choices, steering clear of discomfort.
  – Example: Refrain from discussing sensitive topics that may cause distress.
  – Example: Choose safe environments for conversations to feel secure.
• Combining purposes and human nature reveals predictable patterns in conversations.
  – Example: People share personal stories for entertainment and social bonding.
  – Example: We ask practical questions to solve problems while also seeking connection.

Conversation Patterns

• People want to be entertained—focus on making interactions engaging and enjoyable.
  – Example: Share a funny or surprising story instead of defaulting to small talk.
  – Example: Ask thought-provoking questions to spark curiosity.
• Validation is key—people need to feel heard, understood, and important.
  – Example: Nod and acknowledge emotions when someone shares their struggles.
  – Example: Reflect back what they say: “That sounds really frustrating.”
• Laziness shapes conversations—take initiative to keep the dialogue flowing.
  – Example: Instead of one-word answers, elaborate: “Good, thanks! How about you?”
  – Example: Ask open-ended questions like, “What made your day interesting?”
• Avoid being a conversational burden—don’t force others to carry the entire interaction.
  – Example: Balance listening with sharing; don’t monopolize or disappear from the exchange.
  – Example: Fill silences naturally by adding anecdotes or observations.
• Entertainment isn’t just humor—it’s about creating connection through relatable content.
  – Example: Talk about shared experiences, like a recent holiday or local event.
  – Example: Use light teasing or playful banter to build rapport.
• Understand emotional needs—validate feelings to deepen bonds and avoid rejection.
  – Example: Show empathy: “I’d feel the same way if that happened to me.”
  – Example: Celebrate their wins: “Wow, that’s amazing! You must be so proud.”
• Combat laziness by preparing conversational tools—questions, stories, and active listening.
  – Example: Keep a mental list of topics ready, like travel plans or hobbies.
  – Example: Practice follow-up questions to show genuine interest.
• Selfishness drives engagement—help others feel like the center of attention.
  – Example: Let them talk about themselves without interrupting.
  – Example: Highlight their strengths: “You’re really good at explaining things!”
• Awkward silences happen when effort is imbalanced—step up to fill gaps smoothly.
  – Example: Comment on the environment: “This place has such a cool vibe.”
  – Example: Transition naturally: “Speaking of movies, have you seen any good ones lately?”
• Conversations are purposeful—align with entertainment, validation, or utility goals.
  – Example: Match tone to context; casual chats focus on fun, while work talks emphasize tasks.
  – example: Adapt based on cues—if they seem bored, switch topics quickly.

Predictability (In a Good Way)

• Prepare for predictable conversation topics to reduce anxiety and enhance engagement.
  – Example: Anticipate questions like “How is your day going?” and have engaging responses ready.
  – Example: Craft mini-stories related to common small talk topics, such as weekend plans or current events.
• Transform generic small talk into meaningful interactions by adding personal touches.
  – Example: Instead of saying “Good, how about you?”, share a brief, interesting detail from your day.
  – Example: Turn a mundane response into an opportunity for connection: “Work is fine, but I’m excited about the new project we’re starting.”
• Use predictability to your advantage—know what people will likely ask and prepare accordingly.
  – Example: Expect family-related questions and have updates or anecdotes about your loved ones ready.
  – Example: Be prepared to discuss current events with informed opinions and relevant experiences.
• Engage with purpose—align your responses with entertainment, validation, and utility goals.
  – Example: Share a funny anecdote to entertain when asked about your weekend.
  – Example: Offer empathetic feedback to validate someone’s feelings when they share their experiences.
• Practice active listening—show genuine interest in the other person’s responses.
  – Example: Ask follow-up questions based on what they say to keep the conversation flowing.
  – Example: Reflect on their comments to show you’re actively engaged: “That sounds really interesting.”
• Make it easy for others—shoulder some of the conversational burden.
  – Example: Initiate topics that are likely to interest both parties.
  – Example: Provide context or background information to help the conversation progress smoothly.
• Adapt your approach based on the situation and audience.
  – Example: Tailor your responses to be more formal in professional settings.
  – Example: Use humor and casual language when talking with friends or in relaxed environments.
• Stay flexible—be ready to adjust your prepared responses as needed.
  – Example: If the conversation takes an unexpected turn, adapt your story to fit the new direction.
  – Example: Listen for cues that indicate the other person’s interests and steer the conversation accordingly.
• Embrace predictability to build confidence—knowing what to expect reduces stress.
  – Example: Practice your prepared responses until they feel natural and effortless.
  – Example: Use your familiarity with common topics to initiate conversations with ease.
• Remember, predictability in conversations can lead to better connections and smoother interactions.
  – Example: By anticipating and preparing for common questions, you can create more meaningful exchanges.
  – Example: Your readiness to engage in predictable topics can make others feel heard and understood.

Engaging Answers

• Answer a fuzzy version of the question to create interest.
  – When asked about your weekend, share a memorable past experience instead.
  – Turn “How was your weekend?” into an opportunity to discuss a notable event from any weekend.
• Create mini stories with at least five distinct details for engaging responses.
  – Add context and specifics to make your story relatable and intriguing.
  – Share a brief anecdote that captures attention within 15-20 seconds.
• Completely re-direct the conversation using the word “but” to introduce a new topic.
  – Acknowledge the initial question briefly before pivoting to something more interesting.
  – Use current events or personal insights as segue points to shift the discussion.
• Avoid literal answers to prevent shallow small talk—aim for entertainment and validation.
  – Instead of saying “It was fine,” share a fun activity you did over the weekend.
  – Respond to “How is work?” with a positive update or challenge you’re tackling.
• Prepare talking points in advance to smoothly transition topics.
  – Brainstorm recent news or personal experiences to bring up during conversations.
  – Have a few engaging stories ready based on common small talk questions.
• Tailor your responses to present the image you want others to see.
  – If you want to be seen as outdoorsy, share stories about hiking or camping trips.
  – To appear caring and generous, discuss volunteer work or acts of kindness you’ve done.
• Use these methods to go beyond small talk while still validating the other person’s question.
  – Acknowledge their inquiry before sharing a related but more engaging story.
  – Provide a detailed response that shows you value their interest in your life.
• Prepare beforehand to avoid thinking on your feet during conversations.
  – Review potential topics and practice your responses to feel confident.
  – Keep a mental list of interesting facts or anecdotes to draw from when needed.
• Engage actively by providing substantial content that makes it easy for others to be lazy.
  – Offer rich details that spark curiosity and keep the conversation flowing.
  – Present information in a way that invites further discussion and interaction.
• Remember, preparing for conversations allows you to present yourself exactly as you want.
  – Craft responses that highlight your desired traits and interests.
  – Use engaging answers to leave a lasting impression and foster deeper connections.

The Conversation Resume

• Create an inventory of interesting information to make conversations more personal and engaging.
  – Ten most notable accomplishments.
  – Five most unique experiences.
• Include activities related to your hobbies for conversation topics.
  – Ten places you have traveled in the past three years.
  – Ten recent funny occurrences from your daily life.
• Your life story is a key part of the Conversation Resume.
  – Where you grew up and how you came to live where you live and do what you do.
  – What you like to do for fun and your biggest passion.
• Add details about your background to enrich conversations.
  – Where are you from and how long have you lived or worked there?
  – Where did you go to school and what do you do for work?
• Incorporate personal preferences and pet peeves into your resume.
  – Favorite movies, music, and other interests.
  – Your work history and ten strengths and weaknesses.
• List favorite and least favorite things to add depth to discussions.
  – Ten of your most favorite things, objects, or concepts.
  – Ten of your least favorite things, objects, or concepts.
• Visualize timelines of your life to gather relevant information.
  – Far past (previous month, year), near past (previous week), present, near future (next week), far future (next month, year).
  – Name events, plans, or notable occurrences from these timelines.
• Stay informed about current events and develop opinions on them.
  – Top five current events of the week and month.
  – Summarize four funny situations from the past week as short stories.
• Relate interesting things you’ve read or heard about recently.
  – Four most interesting articles or interpersonal situations from the past week.
  – Summarize and solicit opinions from others.
• Prepare a fallback story to carry in your back pocket for any conversation.
  – A reliable anecdote to use when you hit an awkward silence.
  – Ensure it’s engaging and relatable to keep the conversation flowing smoothly.

The Fallback Story

• A fallback story is a prepared narrative you can use at any time to start or revive a conversation.
  – Bridging sentence: “Hey, so a friend just told me . . .”
  – Story portion: “She proposed to her boyfriend after dating for four years.”
  – Opinion: “I thought it was odd but I support it because why not, it’s not 1950 anymore and I like to think I’m open-minded!”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “What do you think about it? Would you do this or accept that from your significant other? Have you heard about it before? How would you react?”
• It consists of four components: bridging sentence, story portion, opinion, and solicitation for discussion.
  – Bridging sentence: “A friend just told me . . .”
  – Story portion: “Her boyfriend wants to get rid of her dog, a golden retriever she’s had since before she met him.”
  – Opinion: “I was shocked because her boyfriend knew the dog was a package deal with her, and it’s totally unfair for him to change her mind. The dog is family!”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “What do you think? Would you ever make that kind of sacrifice? What’s a deal breaker to you? Where would you draw the line on compromise?”
• Provide your opinion first to make others feel comfortable sharing their views.
  – Bridging sentence: “You won’t believe what happened at work today . . .”
  – Story portion: “Our team leader announced an unexpected project deadline.”
  – Opinion: “I was surprised but excited for the challenge. It’s a great opportunity to showcase our skills.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “How do you handle sudden changes in your work environment? Do you see them as opportunities or stressors?”
• Solicit opinions in various ways to ensure the other person has something to respond to.
  – Bridging sentence: “Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened downtown . . .”
  – Story portion: “They have an amazing menu with unique dishes.”
  – Opinion: “I tried their signature dish and it was incredible! The flavors were perfectly balanced.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “Have you been there yet? What’s your favorite type of cuisine? What makes a great dining experience for you?”
• Choose relatable topics for effective fallback stories.
  – Bridging sentence: “So, my neighbor shared an interesting story with me . . .”
  – Story portion: “He found a hidden treasure while renovating his old house.”
  – Opinion: “It’s fascinating how history can be uncovered in unexpected places. I love discovering hidden gems.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “Have you ever stumbled upon something surprising? What kind of discoveries excite you the most?”
• Interpersonal drama makes great fallback stories due to people’s natural inclination to weigh in.
  – Bridging sentence: “My cousin mentioned a tricky situation . . .”
  – Story portion: “Her best friend borrowed money and hasn’t paid it back.”
  – Opinion: “It’s a delicate issue because money can strain relationships. I believe communication is key.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “What would you do in such a scenario? How do you handle financial matters with friends?”
• Prepare fallback stories about common experiences or dilemmas.
  – Bridging sentence: “I came across an intriguing article . . .”
  – Story portion: “It discussed the impact of technology on modern relationships.”
  – Opinion: “The insights were eye-opening. Technology has transformed how we connect with others.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “What role does technology play in your relationships? How has it changed over time?”
• Avoid using overly niche or obscure topics that may not interest or relate to everyone.
  – Bridging sentence: “Someone shared a funny incident . . .”
  – Story portion: “They accidentally wore mismatched shoes to a formal event.”
  – Opinion: “It was hilarious and no one seemed to notice until later. Laughter is the best medicine!”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “Have you ever had an embarrassing moment? How did you handle it?”
• Practice crafting short yet impactful fallback stories.
  – Bridging sentence: “I recently learned something interesting . . .”
  – Story portion: “There’s a hidden art gallery in our city that few people know about.”
  – Opinion: “Exploring hidden gems like this adds excitement to life. It’s always fun to discover new things.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “Do you enjoy exploring hidden attractions? What are some hidden gems in your area?”
• Remember, preparing fallback stories helps you take advantage of conversation predictability.
  – Bridging sentence: “I stumbled upon a fascinating fact . . .”
  – Story portion: “Did you know that dolphins can recognize themselves in mirrors?”
  – Opinion: “It’s amazing how intelligent they are. Animals never cease to amaze me.”
  – Solicitation for discussion: “What animals fascinate you the most? Have you ever had a memorable encounter with wildlife?”

The Connecting Attitude

• Adopt a positive mindset towards small talk to improve its execution.
  – Instead of viewing it as unnecessary, see it as a gateway to deeper connections.
  – Embrace the opportunity to build rapport and establish initial contact.
• Engage genuinely in small talk by showing interest in the other person’s responses.
  – Ask follow-up questions based on their answers to demonstrate active listening.
  – Use body language and facial expressions to convey your engagement.
• Find common ground during small talk to create a sense of relatability.
  – Look for shared interests or experiences that can lead to more meaningful conversations.
  – Mention mutual acquaintances or events you’ve both attended.
• Use small talk as a foundation to transition into more substantial topics.
  – Gradually shift from neutral subjects to areas of mutual interest or passion.
  – Share personal anecdotes or stories that invite further discussion.
• Be authentic in your interactions to avoid the feeling of fakeness.
  – Share genuine thoughts and feelings rather than defaulting to clichés.
  – Express curiosity about the other person’s life and experiences.
• Practice active listening to fully engage in the conversation.
  – Pay attention to what the other person is saying without planning your next response.
  – Reflect on their words and ask clarifying questions to show understanding.
• Utilize open-ended questions to encourage deeper dialogue.
  – Ask questions that require more than a one-word answer to keep the conversation flowing.
  – Example: “What did you enjoy most about your weekend?” instead of “How was your weekend?”
• Stay present in the moment to make the most of each interaction.
  – Focus on the current conversation rather than thinking about future tasks or distractions.
  – Show appreciation for the time spent with the other person.
• View small talk as an opportunity to learn about others.
  – Approach each conversation with a willingness to discover new things about people.
  – Be open-minded and non-judgmental in your interactions.
• Cultivate a connecting attitude to transform small talk into meaningful exchanges.
  – Develop a mindset that values every interaction as a chance to build relationships.
  – Strive to leave a positive impression and foster lasting connections.

WWJD?

• Adopt the attitude of a talk show host like Jay Leno to engage with others.
  – Focus solely on your conversation partner, making them the center of attention.
  – Show genuine interest in their stories and react enthusiastically to what they say.
• Be insatiably curious about the other person’s experiences and perspectives.
  – Ask questions that encourage them to share more about themselves.
  – Find humor and positivity in their stories, even if they are negative.
• Do the heavy lifting in conversations by seamlessly transitioning between topics.
  – Elicit more information from them and add to their stories to enhance the discussion.
  – Be their biggest cheerleader and supporting actor, helping them feel comfortable and valued.
• Make a conscious effort to be genuinely interested in others, even if you have to fake it at first.
  – Realize that everyone has a vivid and complex life, just like yours.
  – Embrace the concept of Sonder—the realization that each person you meet has an epic story.
• Assess your perception of others by letting them speak as much as possible.
  – Ask questions and encourage them to share while refraining from interjecting your own thoughts.
  – Determine if you can keep the spotlight on someone else or if you’re tempted to talk about yourself.
• Understand that a lack of curiosity in others signals an expectation for them to entertain you.
  – Recognize that expecting others to instantly captivate you without effort is not true dialogue.
  – Strive to engage in meaningful conversations where both parties contribute and learn from each other.
• Practice active listening and empathy to build deeper connections.
  – Pay close attention to what the other person is saying and try to understand their perspective.
  – Show genuine care and concern for their well-being and experiences.
• View every interaction as an opportunity to discover new things about people.
  – Approach conversations with an open mind and a willingness to learn.
  – Appreciate the value that each person brings to your life, no matter how brief the encounter.
• Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and interest in others to foster lasting relationships.
  – Make a decision to be genuinely curious about those you interact with.
  – Allow them to feel comfortable enough to connect with you beyond a superficial level.
• Remember, being interested in others is the key to building strong connections.
  – Internalize the WWJD approach and strive to emulate the qualities of a great talk show host.
  – Create an environment where people feel valued, heard, and understood.

Your Mantras

• I Wonder What They Are Like?
  – Cultivate a sense of wonder about the other person to change your perspective on them.
  – Be curious about their motivations, personality, and quirks, not just surface-level traits.
• What Can They Teach Me?
  – View others as people worthy of your attention, recognizing that everyone has valuable knowledge.
  – Approach conversations with an interest in learning from the other person’s expertise.
• What Do We Have in Common?
  – Investigate similarities and shared interests like Sherlock Holmes on a scavenger hunt.
  – Focus on discovering commonalities to enhance connection and flow of conversation.
• What’s Unique about Them?
  – Make it your job to find unique talents or obscure claims to fame about the other person.
  – Ask about their hobbies, interests, and background to uncover hidden depths.
• Avoid buzzkills that impede connecting with others.
  – Don’t dismiss people as boring or unworthy of your time based on initial impressions.
  – Refrain from seeing yourself as superior and expecting others to entertain you without effort.
• Practice these mindsets with everyone, not just VIPs.
  – Treat baristas, cashiers, and other service workers with the same level of curiosity and interest.
  – Get to know the people serving you at cafes or ringing you up at stores.
• Prioritize the other person to avoid social narcissism.
  – Listen genuinely and care about others’ lives instead of waiting for your turn to speak.
  – Show interest in people’s days and experiences to build meaningful connections.
• Be genuinely open-minded to benefit the connections you make.
  – Embrace the benefits of curiosity and openness in enhancing your ability to connect with others.
  – Practice these mindsets consistently to improve your conversational skills and relationships.

Break the Ice with Anyone

• Give yourself a social goal to provide motivation and plausible deniability.
  – Set clear objectives for networking events or parties to focus your efforts.
  – Examples: Collect ten business cards, learn everyone’s first name and place of birth.
• The Sherlock Holmes Goal involves taking a genuine interest in others.
  – Ask questions, make observations, and test assumptions to learn about people you meet.
  – Use curiosity to find what’s interesting about them and avoid small talk.
• Game Goals turn social interactions into a challenge to keep you engaged.
  – Set specific targets like collecting business cards or sharing stories with multiple people.
  – Examples: Exchange social media accounts with three people, learn an embarrassing story about four people.
• Social goals help decrease the fear and rejection associated with breaking the ice.
  – They provide a sense of purpose and focus, making it easier to push through defense mechanisms.
  – Remember, even with goals, you still need to put in the work and face initial discomfort.
• Approach social interaction like working out—goals are like steroids that enable more effort.
  – Inject these “steroids” into your social muscles to build stronger connections and confidence.
  – Be prepared for initial challenges and discomfort as you work towards your social goals.
• Understand that breaking the ice mirrors how we feel about conversation at large.
  – We need to feel comfortable enough to engage and know what to say after initiating contact.
  – With social goals, you can overcome initial hesitation and have a clear direction for conversation.

Four Types of Icebreakers

• Ask for a subjective opinion to engage someone in conversation.
  – Example: “Hey, what do you think of the music here? I’m thinking about having a party next weekend and am still building my playlist.”
  – This method allows you to discover information while providing plausible deniability.
• Request objective information to initiate interaction.
  – Example: “Hey, do you know where the host of the party is?”
  – Asking for simple facts or directions can help you break the ice without feeling like you’re trying too hard.
• Comment on a shared reality to create a connection.
  – Example: “Can you believe the tone of this music? I think the word I’m looking for is ‘spatial.’”
  – Making an observation about the environment invites others to share their thoughts and opinions.
• Directly approach someone with a friendly greeting.
  – Example: “Hello, how are you? My name is ____________.”
  – While outside most people’s comfort zones, this straightforward method can be effective when done confidently.
• Warm up before social events to enhance your performance.
  – Read out loud from a passage with diverse characters and emotions, exaggerating each part.
  – Pretend you’re a grade-school teacher reading to a classroom, using different voices and gestures.
• Push your limits by making each reading more ridiculous and outlandish than the last.
  – Scream parts loudly, whisper others, and use zany voices for different characters.
  – Exaggerate emotions tenfold to improve your ability to express them naturally in conversations.
• Notice the difference between your first and third readings.
  – The improvement in expressiveness and confidence will carry over to real-life interactions.
  – Warming up helps you make better impressions and connect more effectively with others.
• Be prepared for conversational narcissists and have an escape formula ready.
  – If someone dominates the conversation, find a polite way to redirect the discussion or excuse yourself.
  – Maintain control of the conversation to ensure it remains engaging and balanced for all participants.

Conversation Escape Formula

• Have an excuse ready to leave any conversation or social situation.
  – Example excuses: Using the bathroom, needing to call someone, or searching for someone else.
  – Keep it simple and ready on the tip of your tongue.
• Act as if the need for an exit is urgent to avoid taking it personally.
  – Convey urgency and importance so others won’t question your departure.
  – This helps mask the feeling of rejection and makes leaving more acceptable.
• Ask for permission and apologize for having to leave.
  – Show remorse about departing and make others feel good about it.
  – No one will refuse you permission, but this gesture is appreciated.
• Say something about the future to add a final level of empathy and care.
  – Examples: “Let’s do this again soon” or “I want to continue this conversation!”
  – These endings help people feel good about your departure.
• Create outrageous introductions to break the ice for others.
  – Introduce people with a funny fact, commonality, or story that shifts focus away from their meeting.
  – Examples: “Candy, have you met Ben? He bikes to work in tiny spandex every day.”
• Use humorous commonalities to start conversations.
  – Focus on shared experiences or traits that can lead to related stories and laughter.
  – Example: “Steph, this is Andrew. I’m pretty sure you two have the most delicate stomachs ever.”
• Shift the focus away from the meeting to decrease pressure and make interactions more natural.
  – Outrageous introductions create a comfortable environment for people to engage and laugh together.
  – This approach leads to better engagement and bigger laughs compared to swapping basic information.

Avoid Being Avoided

• Be present in conversations—show genuine interest and engagement.
  – Maintain eye contact and ask follow-up questions to demonstrate your attentiveness.
  – Put away distractions like phones to fully focus on the person you’re talking to.
• Admit when a conversation feels boring—it’s your responsibility to make it interesting.
  – Instead of expecting others to entertain you, take initiative by asking about their interests.
  – Pretend you’re a talk show host and delve into why they hold certain opinions.
• Limit self-centeredness in conversations—ask more, talk less.
  – For every story you share, ask two questions about the other person’s experiences.
  – Challenge yourself to learn as much about others while saying little about yourself.
• Recognize when people just want to vent—offer an ear, not advice.
  – When someone shares a frustrating event, let them express feelings without jumping to solutions.
  – Ask if they want advice or simply need someone to listen before offering input.
• Shift from conversational narcissism to active listening.
  – Focus on understanding the other person’s emotions and perspectives rather than planning your response.
  – Show empathy by validating their feelings and acknowledging their experiences.
• Embrace curiosity about others—fake it if necessary.
  – Think of questions you’d ask a celebrity and apply that level of interest to everyday conversations.
  – Adopt a child-like sense of wonder to genuinely explore what makes others unique.

Never Laugh First

• Avoid fake laughter to prevent others from feeling the need to respond with their own.
  – Example: When someone makes a mediocre joke and laughs at it, you feel compelled to give a fake chuckle.
  – Instead, wait for the other person’s reaction before laughing.
• Always laugh second to gauge how your jokes are received.
  – Example: If you make a quip or joke, pause and observe the other person’s response.
  – This helps you understand if your humor is actually funny or not.
• Stop laughing first at your own jokes to avoid imposing your will on the conversation partner.
  – Example: Don’t laugh loudly and proudly without looking to the other person for a reaction.
  – This prevents the other person from feeling obligated to provide a fake laugh.
• Become comfortable with silence after making a joke or quip.
  – Example: Mentally fill the slight moment of silence instead of filling it with laughter or noise.
  – This helps you overcome the fear of conversational rejection and builds confidence in your humor.
• Understand that always laughing first can lead to an inflated sense of self.
  – Example: Without proper reactions, you may think you’re hilarious when others don’t find you funny.
  – By waiting for genuine reactions, you get a more accurate assessment of your humor.
• Recognize that laughing first is often a reaction born out of insecurity and fear of silence.
  – Example: Some people laugh nervously to avoid the embarrassment of no reaction after a joke.
  – Overcoming this insecurity allows for more natural and enjoyable conversations.

Pointless Questions

• Avoid overly open-ended questions that are too vague and confusing.
  – Example: Instead of asking “What do you like to do for fun?”, provide options like “Do you like the outdoors, music, or playing sports?”
  – This gives context and makes it easier for people to answer.
• Don’t ask extremely specific questions that make people pause and think too much.
  – Example: Instead of “What’s your favorite movie of all time?”, ask “What’s a good movie you have seen recently?”
  – Adding boundaries like “good” and “recently” makes the question easier to answer.
• Put boundaries on questions to make them easier to answer.
  – Example: Qualifiers like “good” and “recently” give people a clear idea of what you’re asking.
  – This helps avoid lulls in conversation and keeps the discussion flowing.
• Provide options along with broad, open-ended questions.
  – Example: Turn “What do you like to do for fun?” into “What do you like to do for fun? Do you like the outdoors, music, or playing sports?”
  – This gives people prompts and makes it easier for them to respond.
• Ask for stories instead of mere answers to get better responses.
  – Example: Instead of asking if someone likes baseball, ask “Have you liked baseball since you were a child? Why did you take to it over other sports?”
  – Stories provide more context and jumping-off points for conversation.
• Be prepared to answer your own questions when they amount to conversation starters.
  – Example: If you ask someone their favorite movie and they get stuck, have an answer ready to keep the conversation going.
  – This prevents awkward silences and keeps the interaction smooth.

Take the Hint

• Cue of Disinterest #1: Lack of reciprocity.
  – If you find yourself doing most of the talking and dictating the conversation, it’s likely intentional.
  – The other person may be giving one-word answers and not asking questions to signal they want to move on.
• Cue of Disinterest #2: Allowing awkward silences to occur.
  – If the other person doesn’t seem to care or make an effort during a conversation lull, they might be ready to leave.
  – Awkward silences can be used as a subtle way to demonstrate that the interaction is not enjoyable.
• Cue of Disinterest #3: Transitioning to general topics.
  – Statements like “So what do you have planned for the rest of the day?” are clear signals that someone wants to disengage.
  – Shifting gears to general topics or future plans makes it easier for them to withdraw from the conversation.
• Recognize these verbal cues to avoid overextending conversations.
  – Example: If someone gives one-word answers and allows awkward silences, take the hint and wrap up the conversation.
  – This helps maintain positive relationships and prevents unnecessary discomfort.
• Understand that reading people includes knowing when someone is no longer listening or welcome.
  – Example: If the conversation shifts to general topics, it’s a sign that the other person is ready to move on.
  – Respect their cues and gracefully end the interaction to preserve mutual respect and enjoyment.

Eye Contact

• Understand the importance of eye contact in social interactions.
  – People believe that eyes don’t lie and can determine trustworthiness and worth.
  – Decent or passable eye contact is the bare minimum to avoid negative stereotypes.
• Practice increasing your tension tolerance for strong eye contact.
  – Wear sunglasses and stare at people’s eyes as they walk by to desensitize yourself.
  – Remove the sunglasses and make eye contact with everyone walking by to get used to the tension.
• Use eye contact wisely—more is not always better.
  – When someone is talking to you, make eye contact 80 percent of the time.
  – Keep their gaze while listening to show attentiveness and care about what they are saying.
• When speaking, maintain eye contact with the listener 50 percent of the time.
  – Holding eye contact requires mental faculties, so it may cause your train of thought to derail.
  – Maintaining a 50 percent ratio allows the listener to process your words naturally and gives you focus on your words.
• Avoid staring at someone while speaking to prevent them from feeling pressured.
  – Staring can make the listener feel like they need to react in a certain way due to the spotlight effect.
  – A 50 percent eye contact ratio when speaking gives the listener freedom to process your words as they please.

What Kind of Eye Contact Should You Use?

• Avoid zombie eyes—dead eyes that show no emotion and no evidence of a train of thought.
  – Example: When someone makes eye contact with you and just stares without blinking or showing any expression.
  – This type of eye contact can make people extremely uncomfortable.
• Contrast zombie eyes with soft, expressive eyes.
  – Example: Think about how your eyes soften up when watching a video of cats wrestling and fighting.
  – Your eyebrows become engaged and rise, allowing emotions to be displayed across your face.
• Pair the 50 percent/80 percent eye contact ratio with expressive eyes for powerful, engaging eye contact.
  – Example: When someone is talking to you, make eye contact 80 percent of the time while listening attentively.
  – When speaking, maintain eye contact with the listener 50 percent of the time, allowing them to process your words naturally.
• Use expressive eyes to convey emotions and thoughts during conversations.
  – Example: Raise your eyebrows, smile, or nod in agreement to show engagement and interest in what the other person is saying.
  – This type of eye contact will make you more charismatic and attractive in social interactions.

Always Knowing What to Say

• HPM stands for History, Philosophy, and Metaphor.
  – Use personal experiences, opinions, or related topics to respond to a conversation.
  – Example: If someone tells you a story about skiing, reply with “That reminds me of the last time I skied…” or “I’ve always loved skiing because…”.
• SBR is an acronym for responses that are more external and in the moment.
  – It involves using cues from the environment or current situation to continue the conversation.
  – Example: If you’re at a party and someone mentions the music, you could say, “The DJ here really knows how to keep the energy up!”
• HPM focuses on internal and personal aspects like memories and opinions.
  – Example: Responding with a personal stance on a topic, such as “I don’t know how I feel about skiing. On one hand…”.
  – This type of response draws on your own experiences and thoughts.
• Metaphors in HPM involve relating the conversation topic to something else.
  – Example: If you hear a story about skiing multiple times, use a transition like “That’s just the opposite of snowboarding, isn’t it?”
  – This allows you to subtly change the topic while still maintaining relevance.
• Everyone has personal stories, experiences, opinions, and can relate topics to others.
  – Example: When someone talks about their recent vacation, share a similar experience or opinion about travel.
  – Utilize these resources to keep conversations flowing naturally.
• SBR is easier to use quickly on your feet compared to HPM.
  – Example: If you’re at a restaurant and someone comments on the food, respond with “The chef here must be amazing!”
  – This type of response uses external cues to maintain the flow of the conversation.

SBR

• Specific involves asking targeted questions to delve deeper into the topic.
  – Example: If someone tells a skiing story, ask “What kind of slopes did you go down?” or “How was the snow?”
  – This allows you to drag the conversation forward and pull out fine details.
• Broad means asking general questions to create context and springboard to subtopics.
  – Example: Ask “Where was this?”, “Who did you go with?”, or “When was this?”
  – These questions enable the conversation to proceed smoothly from the main topic to new ones.
• Related refers to asking about something tangential to the subject of your conversation.
  – Example: If discussing skiing, say “I love when it’s snowing outside.” or “Isn’t it great, getting physically active as much as possible?”
  – This allows you to explore issues related to the topic while keeping the conversation flowing.
• The SBR strategy focuses on the topics you’re talking about, letting the other person guide you through questions.
  – Example: Use specific, broad, and related questions to dig deeper into the topic and let the conversation naturally progress.
  – This keeps the focus on the current topic while allowing for exploration of related subjects.
• Combine SBR with HPM (History, Philosophy, Metaphor) and EDR for even more engaging conversations.
  – Example: Use HPM to share personal experiences, opinions, or metaphors related to the topic.
  – Incorporate EDR to add depth and intrigue by exploring emotions, desires, and related topics.

EDR

• E (emotion) means stating someone else’s emotion or emotional state.
  – Example: If someone says “I went skiing last weekend!”, respond with “You sound really excited about that.”
  – This approach allows the other person to take the limelight and express their emotions, making them feel valued.
• D (detail) involves asking for details and how they relate to the person you’re speaking with.
  – Example: Ask questions like “When did you start doing that?” or “How did that make you feel?”
  – These questions help you get a direct answer and tie in different details to the person you’re speaking with.
• R (restatements) means restating or summarizing what the other person said and then throwing it back at them.
  – Example: If someone says “I went skiing in the mountains last weekend,” respond with “So you went skiing in the mountains last weekend?”
  – This validates the other person by showing you were listening and want confirmation of your understanding.
• Use EDR in combination with HPM and SBR for nine ways to respond to people about anything.
  – Example: Combine History, Philosophy, Metaphor, Specific, Broad, Related, Emotion, Detail, and Restatements.
  – This gives you a wide range of options to keep conversations flowing naturally.
• Pay attention to which techniques feel easy and natural to you and which feel difficult.
  – Example: If you find yourself using more internal thoughts (HPM), you might be a conversational narcissist.
  – If you focus too much on the situation and the other person (SBR), you might provide no value or substance.
• Chain these techniques together to never run out of things to talk about.
  – Example: Use History to share a personal experience, ask for Details to get more information, and restate their words for validation.
  – With practice, these nine techniques will become second nature and enhance your conversational skills.

Provide More Information

• Share more personal information, opinions, and specific details in conversations.
  – Example: Instead of saying your weekend was “good,” say “I went skiing in the mountains and it was really tiring.”
  – This allows people to relate better and find shared interests and commonalities.
• Treat others like friends by sharing unsolicited information.
  – Example: Imagine a friend broaching a topic and you’ll see that it’s completely acceptable.
  – Don’t discount the value of being more relatable to others; it will make you more likable on many levels.
• Form tentative opinions on various topics before interactions.
  – Example: Review current events, pop culture, interpersonal situations, preferences, pet peeves, and hypothetical situations.
  – Having an opinion gives you something to say instead of saying, “I don’t know, what do you think?”
• Be open to discussion and correction when sharing your opinions.
  – Example: Maintain the mindset that you are open to discussion and correction if need be.
  – An opinion by itself will never expose you to judgment as long as you don’t state them with an air of knowledge or superiority.
• Consume more information to educate yourself better if you’re unable to construct opinions.
  – Example: Read news articles, watch documentaries, and engage in discussions to broaden your knowledge.
  – Personal details and opinions are something we can always share more of to fill the air and keep conversations engaging.

The Only Two Storytelling Methods You Need

• Storytelling Method #1: Just give five distinct, specific details and forget building a narrative.
  – Example: If you went skiing with your older brother, share five specific details like “I almost broke my leg” or “got incredibly sunburned from the snow reflection.”
  – Specific details make your story relatable and lead to separate topics for further discussion.
• Storytelling Method #2: Focus on one emotion in one sentence.
  – Example: If you want to convey shock and commiseration about getting cut off in traffic, summarize it in one sentence like “What a horrible person!”
  – This helps you convey the important parts of your story succinctly and clearly.
• Keep storytelling simple and avoid over-sharing.
  – Example: Instead of giving six details, which can verge into conversational monopolization, stick to five distinct details.
  – This ensures you don’t talk people’s ears off and makes sure you’re not speaking without saying anything.
• Understand the emotions you want to convey when telling a story.
  – Example: If you want to show how fun your weekend was, focus on events that further the sentiment of fun and happiness.
  – Summarize your story in one sentence to convey the point and emotion effectively.
• Be a briefer and clearer storyteller to optimize your conversations.
  – Example: Instead of droning on while trying to find the point out loud, summarize your story in one sentence.
  – This shows understanding of the important parts and what you can omit without consequence.

Breaking into Banter

• Transition from small talk interview mode to banter by adopting the tone and dynamic of joking around.
  – Example: Take a small issue, blow it out of proportion, and watch the various sets of reactions unfold.
  – This creates a comfortable and enjoyable interaction similar to how friends talk.
• Focus on the tone and dynamic of the conversation rather than the topic.
  – Example: The television show Seinfeld is lauded for its comedy because people felt like they were watching friends interact.
  – The topics weren’t inherently engaging, but the tone and dynamic made the show enjoyable.
• Adopt the tone of joking around with the topic, making fun of it, debating it hypothetically, and drawing outlandish conclusions.
  – Example: In the Seinfeld episode where George can’t date a woman because of her toe, the writers took a humorous approach.
  – This illustrates that it’s not the topic that matters, but how you approach it.
• Speak to everyone you meet like a friend to put them at ease and encourage rapport.
  – Example: When speaking to someone like a friend, you aren’t afraid of judgment and freely speak your mind.
  – This creates a more comfortable and natural interaction compared to speaking formally to an acquaintance or stranger.
• Avoid filtering yourself and your thoughts when speaking to others.
  – Example: If you filter yourself to avoid offending someone, you are setting the tone for a formal and distant interaction.
  – Speak familiarly and be yourself to create a more relaxed and enjoyable conversation.

Playing vs. Discussing

• Focus on being more playful in conversations to build deeper connections and rapport.
  – Example: Instead of just discussing current events, share personal stories and anecdotes with friends.
  – This allows you to show your personality and learn more about the other person.
• React to someone in a playful manner by asking silly questions or creating outlandish hypotheticals.
  – Example: If someone asks about the weather, respond with a humorous comment like “Well, it’s sunny outside, but my mood is still cloudy!”
  – This keeps the conversation light and entertaining for both parties.
• Address the elephant in the room and allow your inner monologue to be read out loud.
  – Example: If there’s an obvious topic that everyone is avoiding, bring it up in a lighthearted way.
  – This can help break the ice and make the conversation more engaging.
• View the other person as someone to joke around with rather than someone to impress professionally.
  – Example: Share funny experiences or inside jokes with friends instead of always trying to make a perfect first impression.
  – This creates a more relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere for both of you.
• Provide interesting and noteworthy answers instead of dry and accurate ones.
  – Example: When asked about your weekend, say “I had an adventure at the amusement park!” instead of just saying “It was good.”
  – People are usually more attracted to captivating responses.
• Ensure you’re not going overboard with lack of substantive content if the other person seeks it.
  – Example: Occasionally check in with the other person to see if they want to discuss something more serious or informative.
  – Balancing humor and information keeps the conversation engaging and meaningful for everyone involved.

Think Non-Linear

• Acknowledge Point A, then move to Point B, and loop back to Point A at the end of the conversation.
  – Example: Transition from discussing the weather to cars, types of bread, and shopping for jeans.
  – This non-linear approach keeps conversations relaxed and organic.
• Don’t feel the need to stay on one topic or related topics; it’s acceptable to jump between unrelated subjects.
  – Example: If you’re talking about work, suddenly bring up a funny story about your childhood.
  – This prevents conversations from becoming dull and predictable.
• Adopt a non-linear mindset to increase entertainment and engagement in conversations.
  – Example: Jump from topic to subtopic and back to the main topic again to keep things interesting.
  – This increases the likelihood that the other person will also be in an adventurous and playful mood.
• Avoid going into conversations with agendas and overarching goals.
  – Example: Instead of sticking to a linear agenda, focus on treating others in a familiar way and creating entertainment.
  – This allows for more natural and enjoyable interactions.

What Would Sebastian Do?

• Study professional comedians like Sebastian Maniscalco to learn about delivery and finding humor.
  – Example: Imagine how Sebastian would respond in a given situation to find the humor in serious topics.
  – This helps you step out of your mindset and into someone else’s perspective.
• Use a comedic role model to look at situations in a novel way.
  – Example: Assume Sebastian’s perspective to find more options in approaching humorous situations.
  – This makes it easier when you run out of things to say or your mind blanks.

Think Slightly Inappropriate

• Skew towards slightly inappropriate topics to have better, funnier conversations.
  – Example: Have a slightly inappropriate take on a boring topic like ice skating by mentioning a YouTube clip where someone’s ear was sliced off.
  – This breaks the boredom and establishes rapport.
• Bring up slightly inappropriate topics to put others at ease and get people laughing.
  – Example: Discuss figure skating because of the crazy costumes competitors wear.
  – This goes beyond conventional and predictable topics, making conversations more engaging.
• Remember that you talk to friends differently than acquaintances, so choose how to treat people.
  – Example: Don’t filter yourself endlessly around people; if they like you, they should like the real you.
  – This helps build deeper connections and rapport with others.

Intentionally Misconstrue

• Misunderstand people intentionally to bring about a comical situation.
  – Example: When someone says, “I like cats,” reply with “To eat?” and pair it with a shocked look.
  – This requires you to stay in character for a split second while doing it.
• Stay in character for a split second to convey that you truly mean what you say.
  – Example: After the initial shock, it becomes obvious through your words and delivery that you are making a joke.
  – This prevents mixed messages and ensures your words match up with your non-verbal or verbal delivery.
• Use misconstruing as a transition from a boring topic into a more engaging conversation.
  – Example: If someone mentions their weekend plans, misconstrue by saying something unexpected like “You’re going skiing? In July?”
  – This shifts the conversation toward both parties enjoying themselves more.
• Create humorous situations by taking a situation and steering it in whatever direction you want.
  – Example: If someone talks about their favorite hobby, misconstrue by asking an outlandish question related to it.
  – This allows you to initiate a joke with people in most situations and add life to generic conversations.
• Inject whatever perspective you want into a conversation at any point by choosing to misconstrue.
  – Example: If someone discusses their job, misconstrue by asking a silly question like “Do you have to wear a costume every day?”
  – This is freeing and empowering, and can go a long way in making conversations more enjoyable.

The Witty Comeback Machine

• Don’t think generically when crafting a witty comeback.
  – Example: Avoid using clichés like “I know you are, but what am I?” or “So is your mom.”
  – Focus on originality and spontaneous creativity to make your comebacks effective.
• Handle initial negative statements with a wry smirk and the knowledge that you’re about to deliver a witty comeback.
  – Example: If someone makes a joke about your weight, respond with a playful tone instead of getting visibly angry.
  – This maintains the playful tone and prevents others from walking on eggshells around you.
• Use the right tone for your witty comeback—50 percent indifference.
  – Example: Deliver your comeback with a cool, nonchalant attitude like James Bond.
  – This ensures you aren’t being aggressive or hateful and keeps the conversation light and enjoyable.
• Type #1: Pick Apart Their Words.
  – Example: If someone says “You are working as slow as a glacier,” respond with “You mean I’m super strong and cool under pressure? True.”
  – Interpret their words in a way that is favorable to you to make it seem as if they complimented you instead of putting you down.
• Type #2: Agree and Amplify.
  – Example: If someone says “Your cooking was pretty terrible last time,” respond with “You’re lucky you didn’t stay until the end of the night, we all got our stomachs pumped.”
  – Agree with the insult and amplify it to an absurd degree to create humor.
• Type #3: Reverse and Amplify.
  – Example: If someone says “Your cooking was pretty terrible last time,” respond with “Yeah, but at least I didn’t need to get my stomach pumped the way I did after the last time you cooked!”
  – Turn the insult around by saying that the other person is even worse at the same thing.
• Type #4: Use an Outlandish Comparison.
  – Example: If someone says “Your cooking was pretty terrible last time,” respond with “True, I should have used the eggs as hockey pucks, right?”
  – Bring the conversation into a different sphere with an outlandish comparison that creates humor.
• Avoid rattling off comebacks one after the other.
  – Example: Don’t fire off multiple comebacks in a row as it can make you appear insecure, defensive, and full of bluster.
  – The goal is to keep the conversation flowing smoothly and prevent awkward spots, not to prove a point or protect your pride.

Creating Flow

• Liken conversation to an improv comedy performance for a simplified and effective approach.
  – Example: Both involve unpredictable situations where parties can’t read each other’s minds.
  – This comparison helps create a pleasurable interaction that flows, adapts, and avoids lulls or silences.
• Collaboration and listening are essential in both conversations and improv performances.
  – Example: Improv players refer to themselves as teammates who support each other for the common good.
  – In conversations, it’s important to listen and collaborate to create a dialogue instead of reciting monologues.
• Be flexible and adaptable in conversations like improv players.
  – Example: Improv players have no pre-set agenda and work together successfully with other players.
  – Flexibility and adaptability are paramount to any great conversation, allowing you to handle unexpected turns.
• Avoid letting ego sabotage your conversations.
  – Example: Improv players work together like cyclists, taking turns at the front to absorb wind resistance.
  – Ego can disrupt the flow of a conversation, so it’s important to focus on the shared goal and sacrifice the spotlight when needed.
• Imagine a collaborative and accepting process to improve your conversational intelligence.
  – Example: Think of yourself as working towards a shared goal with someone else in the conversation.
  – This mindset encourages necessary give and take, flexibility, and adaptability to create a smooth and enjoyable interaction.

Make It Easy (for Others to Be Lazy)

• Display openness and solicit opinions and ask questions.
  – Example: Ask the other person about their thoughts on a topic or their experiences.
  – This encourages them to share and express themselves more freely.
• Put others in the spotlight and allow them to shine.
  – Example: Encourage them to tell stories or share anecdotes related to the conversation.
  – This helps build their confidence and makes them feel valued in the interaction.
• Don’t put others in a conversational place to twist in the wind.
  – Example: Avoid asking overly complex or specific questions that might make them feel uncomfortable.
  – Provide easy setups and premises for them to work with, similar to improv players.
• Support each other and be on board, no matter how dire it gets.
  – Example: If someone shares a story, show genuine interest and engagement by asking follow-up questions.
  – This builds a sense of security and allows for vulnerability in the conversation.
• Learn from improv comedy principles to improve your ability to think on your feet and excel at witty banter.
  – Example: Practice giving softballs and easy setups to others in conversations.
  – This helps create a comfortable and enjoyable interaction for both parties.

React to Everything

• Read people accurately by paying attention to their verbal and non-verbal cues.
  – Notice if they keep bringing up a topic—it means they want to discuss it further.
  – Observe their body language and facial expressions to gauge their emotional state.
• Understand the underlying emotion people want to evoke in you.
  – If they tell a story about their dog feeding a kitten, they likely seek joy and humor.
  – Show them you understand by reacting with the appropriate emotion.
• Exaggerate your reactions slightly to ensure they register with the other person.
  – A big reaction makes people feel good and valued for sharing their information.
  – Be careful not to overdo it and come across as mocking or patronizing.
• React to everything in the conversation, including non-verbal actions.
  – Respond to their gestures, facial expressions, and even looking at their phone.
  – This shows you’re fully present and attentive to their presence.
• Practice reacting non-verbally by pretending you’re mute while watching TV.
  – Use facial expressions, body language, and gestures to convey your reactions.
  – Pause occasionally to reflect on the range of reactions and how they communicate.

Create Motion

• Introduce new elements and angles to keep the conversation engaging.
  – Example: If the topic is the weather, change to a related topic like different types of hats.
  – This prevents the conversation from becoming stagnant and keeps interest high.
• Avoid planning ahead with fixed ideas and destinations in mind.
  – Example: Don’t fixate on turning the conversation to cars if the subject shifts to hats.
  – Being open to the destination allows you to adapt better and not appear tone deaf.
• Plan for conversations to resemble stories and movies with significant motion.
  – Example: When discussing the weather, share personal experiences or ask about favorite types of weather.
  – This creates conflict, problem-solving, and resolution, keeping the conversation interesting.
• Use various types of motion to keep the conversation dynamic.
  – Example: For the topic of steak, ask about memories, views over the years, or random facts about it.
  – These types of motion force the interaction to go somewhere and prevent stagnation.
• Think of creating motion as a measure of conversational agility.
  – Example: Before one topic is completely exhausted, jump to other ones to maintain engagement.
  – This battles stagnation and keeps the conversation flowing smoothly.
• Great conversations are journeys with direction, conflict, and tension that needs resolution.
  – Example: When discussing steak, create a sense of closure by asking for others’ emotions regarding it.
  – This provides a payoff and makes the conversation more memorable and enjoyable.

Conversation Threading

• Break down statements into specific elements to find potential threads for conversation.
  – Example: For the statement “I went skiing with my brother last weekend,” break it down into skiing, brother, and last weekend.
  – This allows you to ask questions or comment on any of those elements to keep the conversation flowing.
• Comment on or ask questions about any of the elements in a statement.
  – Example: Ask about the type of sandwich, the café’s ambiance, or their favorite type of sandwich when someone says “The sandwich at the corner café was a little stale.”
  – This provides more information to work with and keeps the conversation engaging.
• Practice breaking things down like highlighting keywords in a textbook.
  – Example: When someone mentions a stale sandwich, highlight the key elements like the type of sandwich, the café, and the staleness.
  – This helps you make notes and respond appropriately during conversations.
• Recognize that people aren’t always trained to give many details in their answers.
  – Example: If someone only gives you AB instead of ABCD, still find ways to engage on the given topics.
  – People are lazy, so you need to find different ways of engaging on a single topic.
• Assess yourself and others through the lens of conversation threading.
  – Example: Determine who is making it easy for others and who is doing the bare minimum in conversations.
  – This helps you identify areas for improvement and become a better conversationalist.
• Conversation threading might initially make you less socially fluent, but it becomes easier as it becomes a habit.
  – Example: Practice breaking down statements and finding threads in conversations to improve your social fluency over time.
  – This technique helps you think faster and respond more effectively in the middle of a conversation.

Interrupting Selectively

• Interrupt only to agree and show emotional engagement.
  – Example: If someone says “I was just in Greece and loved it when . . .” interrupt with “No way! That is so exciting and Greece is my favorite place in the whole world!”
  – This shows excitement and agreement, creating a sense of closeness.
• Predict what people are saying to interrupt and finish their sentences.
  – Example: If they say “Gosh, I can’t believe that person has a PC, it’s so . . .” interrupt with “I know, why can’t they just come to the dark side with Apple? Such superior products!”
  – This creates the feeling of understanding and shared opinions.
• Interrupt selectively to avoid negative feelings associated with interruptions.
  – Example: If you’re unsure about their opinion on something, interrupt with “For example: I know! It’s so . . .” and let them finish the statement.
  – This prevents potential backfire and allows you to gauge their direction.
• Create emotional unison by speaking in unison with someone.
  – Example: When discussing laptop computers, if they mention enjoying Apple products, interject with “Gosh, I can’t believe that person has a PC, it’s so . . .” and let them complete the thought.
  – This fosters a deep and profound understanding between you and the other person.
• Finish each other’s sentences to create the feeling of familiarity and closeness.
  – Example: If they start a sentence with “We . . .” respond with the rest of the sentence as if you were thinking the same thing.
  – This creates the impression of a strong bond and shared experiences.

The Four-Word Magic Phrase

• Use the phrase “What were you saying?” to show you’re listening and actively care about what they’re saying.
  – Example: When you interrupt someone and they let you keep speaking, use this phrase to tell them that what they had to say is important.
  – This lets the other person remember that they were saying something before and aren’t obliged to continue on your line of conversation.
• Say “Sorry, what were you saying?” when you begin speaking at the same time as someone else.
  – Example: In situations where you start speaking simultaneously with someone else, gracefully bow out by using this phrase.
  – It gives way to them and lets them feel that you respect them.
• Slip in “What were you saying?” when you go off on an extended statement, story, or rant.
  – Example: If you catch yourself going on for too long, use this phrase to shift the gravity back to the other speaker and show self-awareness.
  – This helps prevent the conversation from becoming long-winded and boring for the other person.
• Use this phrase to make the other person feel more involved in the conversation.
  – Example: When talking to more than one person, ensure the flow of the conversation is evenly distributed among participants.
  – This simple phrase reminds them that they’re part of the conversation and prevents feelings of powerlessness or disenfranchisement.
• Variations of this phrase include “Back to you,” “Sorry for interrupting, please go on,” “Was that what you were going to say?” and “I’ll shut up now. What do you think?”
  – Example: Choose the appropriate variation based on the context to maximize its effect.
  – The overall goal is to draw people back into the conversational spotlight and restore the conversational balance.

Throw the Ball Back

• Avoid awkward silences by throwing the ball back in conversations.
  – Example: If someone shares a story, ask a follow-up question or share your own related experience.
  – This keeps the conversation flowing and prevents lulls.
• Lead the interaction to ensure the conversation flows smoothly.
  – Example: If there’s a lull or silence, take it upon yourself to fill it with a new topic or question.
  – Leading the interaction means taking responsibility for the conversation and making sure it progresses.
• Don’t just acknowledge someone’s statement—add something to the conversation.
  – Example: Instead of saying “Ah, interesting” after someone tells a story, ask a follow-up question or share your thoughts.
  – This shows you’re engaged and gives the other person something to respond to.
• Assume the role of filling in the gaps when leading the interaction.
  – Example: If you’re traveling with a friend who is hopeless with a map, take ownership over planning and navigation.
  – In conversations, assume they will do nothing and you will have to do all the heavy lifting to keep things moving.
• Compensate when someone doesn’t throw the ball back to you.
  – Example: If the other person doesn’t add anything after you share a story, ask them about their experiences or opinions on the topic.
  – This ensures the conversation continues even if the other person isn’t actively participating.